I literally stumbled upon myself. At the beginning of the year i had made resolutions,or rather carried forward the previous year's resolutions, and by March still yet to cross any off the list all I could think of was, this is not where I thought I would be at 30. Working a dead end job that was killing my spirit, that paid me just enough not to quit and i worked just enough to avoid being fired. I was feeling worn out and battered by life.
There had to be more to life. I could feel it in my bones and after years of neglecting that inner voice, it had become a low whisper. Nevertheless it was there and it caused me a lot of pain. Pain came with blame. I blamed everyone, i mean everyone. It was my parents fault, my teachers' fault, my bosses fault, my partner's fault and mostly God's fault. Everyone but myself was to blame.
So on this particular day feeling really low, that voice nagging at me, I decided to find some help. Who else could i talk to? Certainly not my colleagues, i have learnt the hard way not to discuss personal issues with them. Casually i turned to google and typed "how to change my life". I was pleasantly surprised, there was so much advise, so many articles and blogs that offered all kinds of advise that by the end of the day i was overwhelmed. I was super excited as well.
The most important thing i learnt is if I wanted to change my life i had to change my thoughts. I needed to learn to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones. No more blaming others, i had to take responsibility for my life. It was a hard pill to swallow, i mean it was easier when it was my mum's fault. A lot of anger also came with this discovery, i mean why was I finding this out all this now? Where was all this information five years ago? Anger can very easily lead to guilt and shame, which I wouldn't allow myself to go through, so i turned to God. It has been an eventful journey.
I found myself so hungry for information I ended up subscribing to everything. I signed up for any class i came across, downloaded so many books and and bookmarked any blog i found interesting. Oh and got several Bibles. Gradually i have learnt to narrow down on what i am reading and to be patient. This was a journey and after years of neglecting myself it was going to take a while. While listening to a certain TED talk by Niko Everette i realized i was meeting myself.I have made a deliberate choice to find the magic and greatness in me that i had forgotten about or took for granted.
I am far from totally finding myself and but i am enjoying the journey. Sometimes its hard, sometime i am afraid and most of the time i really have to push myself. Sharing this with you took a lot. So this year, at a very low and desperate moment I embarked on a journey to find myself and life is never going to be the same again.